i'm not bitter anyway, let it go

i think tonight i've kind of hit a realization.
call it an epiphany...call it what you will
but i'm still not really sure.

i think when people say they get "closure"
it's not like the kind of closure you get when you shut a door.
it's like...
you can't ever get real closure from the things in your past.
wounds always reopen regardless of how long it's been since...well whatever it is.

i think that the farther you get from remembering,
the more closure you achieve.

i saw something tonight that made me remember everything.
it was small
it was simple
it was without motive
yet when i saw it, it made my heart pound
and all those old familiar feelings of drowning and hopelessness and how it felt to cry my eyes dry everyday...

all those feelings of how much it hurt to breathe just came rushing back
and i wanted to cry soooo bad, all over again.

2009 is coming up real soon and real quick for that matter.
it's been almost 5 years.
jesus, five years gone by.

it's times like these i really start to wonder
what things are going to be like in another five years time.
if five years later...we still talk, we still see each other.
i feel ridiculous saying things like this
and a big part of me is pissed for not having moved on years ago.
and that part of me is also pissed for now being able to say "years" instead of "months" ago.

the only thing i have kept up longer than this is my schooling
and to say that is kind of scary.
and i start to wonder when i'll ever let this go
or if i'll ever let it go...let him go.

i was always so afraid of the notion that i would get so comfortable in this big mess we like to call a relationship, that i would never have it in me to just up and leave.

i think i'm there now
and finally admitting that makes me feel like crying.
like i've finally become a slave to my fear of hurting, regret, etc.
to the point that i just don't try anymore.

the idea of a knight in shining armor still kind of dances around in my mind
whenever i see a cute boy or think my butterflies have come back.
and just when i think...just when i feel like i'm really ready to let my heart explore, i get scared.
i fall into those quiet and lonely nights when i have no one
and i panic.
i panic
and i call him.

oh lord.
i'm crying
and i already feel pathetic.
i think i've accepted that i'm never going to walk away
and that i'll just be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life
because i'm too scared to be alone
and i'm too scared to lose...anything.




toodle oooh