friends, lovers, or nothing

how many more years
am i going to keep selling myself short?
how long until i build up the strength
to let myself be truely happy?

if your hand is closed,
it is not open to receive.




toodle oooh.

disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak

Today is Valentine's Day.
Didn't really do much.
I had breakfast with the family, it was good.
Except the fact that some street vendor across the street
thought it would be a good business move to play awful music from his stupid booth.
Aaand the fact that the people behind us thought it would be a good idea
to play little bits and pieces of ranchero music on a random accordian.

I went to my grandparent's house after that.
It was good.
Didn't really do much except read Jurassic Park.
It's a really good book. I've been reading it all day.

In terms of romance and chocolate and flowers and cards and nice gestures,
nothing really going on there because according to someone,
doing stuff like that on Valentine's Day is too "cliché."
Looks like i'm spending Valentine's Day with Michael Crichton and Wendy's.
Fantastic.



toodle oooh

a kiss in the shape of a bullet

using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the artist I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think!

Pick your Artist: “Glassjaw”

Are you a male or female:
"Babe"

Describe Yourself:
“Trailer Park Jesus”

How do you feel:
“Pretty Lush”

Describe where you currently live:
“Motel of White Locust”

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
”Mu Empire”

Your Favorite form of Transportation:
“Must Have Run All Day”

Your Best Friend is:
“Her Middle Name Was Boom”

You and your best friend are:
“Hurting and Shoving”

Favorite Time of Day:
“When One Eight Becomes Two Zeros”

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
“Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence”

Your last relationship:
"Lovebites and Razorlines"

Your fear:
“Cosmopolitan Blood Loss”

What is the best advice you have to give:
”Tip Your Bartender”

Thought for the day:
“You Think You're John Fucking Lennon”

How I would like to die:
“Two Tabs of Mescaline”

good day sunlight, i'd like to say how truely bright you are

hello my blog.
it has been so long.
i don't really know what to write.
i think maybe i've lost my voice,
i used to write so much.
not that anybody reads my blog anyway.
but who knows...maybe that'll change.

honestly, the reason why i decided to dust off my blog
and write a new post
is because nick from work left me his link on my facebook
(and there i was thinking it was him actually talking to me, ha!)
and i guess it inspired me to write something again.
thanks a lottttttttt nick. (not that you'll read this!)

i've been feeling a little unproductive lately.
school doesn't start for about a week and a half,
and there is just nooooo work at borders. hooray.
i've been really tempted to buy a wordsearch book from work.
i know i still have the one i bought when danny and i broke up
but i think it's at jessica's. ugh.

maybe that's why i'm finding it so difficult to write anything.
i haven't really done shit except go hiking and work twice a week.
i'm really hungry...

maybe i need a hobby.
i should start writing again.
like, really writing though.
i miss the feeling.
well i am a very hungry girl.
time to hunt for food in the kitchen.




toodle oooh

you don't need the sun to make you shine

it's pretty loud in my house right now.
my sister has some friends over and she's being a little loud
and we're watching tenacious d in the pick of destiny.
i don't know why but i get really bothered when people talk during a movie.
like, it really bugs the shit out of me.

anyway,
i'm retaking statistics right now at pcc.
it's pretty nice :)
i'm doing better than i did the first time i took it,
which is the way it should be.
it's pretty awesome.

ugh i wish i could focus but i'm getting kind of annoyed.
i just don't like when people talk during movies.
there are too many people talking right now.

anyway,
...so things between me and a certain dinosaur are getting better :)
it really makes me happy.
i'm kind of starting to learn how to be better in a relationship
and it's a tremendous difference from how i was before
when danny and i were first together.
through all of these things that have happened,
i've really learned how to be more independent and understanding.
mind you, i'm still learning
but i've grown up so much and i'm so proud.
i'm excited to see where things can go now.

well i have some things i need to work on.
i'm really distracted right now so i just wanted to write something in here.
i haven't blogged in a while it seemed the right time for an update.



toodle oooh

i'm not bitter anyway, let it go

i think tonight i've kind of hit a realization.
call it an epiphany...call it what you will
but i'm still not really sure.

i think when people say they get "closure"
it's not like the kind of closure you get when you shut a door.
it's like...
you can't ever get real closure from the things in your past.
wounds always reopen regardless of how long it's been since...well whatever it is.

i think that the farther you get from remembering,
the more closure you achieve.

i saw something tonight that made me remember everything.
it was small
it was simple
it was without motive
yet when i saw it, it made my heart pound
and all those old familiar feelings of drowning and hopelessness and how it felt to cry my eyes dry everyday...

all those feelings of how much it hurt to breathe just came rushing back
and i wanted to cry soooo bad, all over again.

2009 is coming up real soon and real quick for that matter.
it's been almost 5 years.
jesus, five years gone by.

it's times like these i really start to wonder
what things are going to be like in another five years time.
if five years later...we still talk, we still see each other.
i feel ridiculous saying things like this
and a big part of me is pissed for not having moved on years ago.
and that part of me is also pissed for now being able to say "years" instead of "months" ago.

the only thing i have kept up longer than this is my schooling
and to say that is kind of scary.
and i start to wonder when i'll ever let this go
or if i'll ever let it go...let him go.

i was always so afraid of the notion that i would get so comfortable in this big mess we like to call a relationship, that i would never have it in me to just up and leave.

i think i'm there now
and finally admitting that makes me feel like crying.
like i've finally become a slave to my fear of hurting, regret, etc.
to the point that i just don't try anymore.

the idea of a knight in shining armor still kind of dances around in my mind
whenever i see a cute boy or think my butterflies have come back.
and just when i think...just when i feel like i'm really ready to let my heart explore, i get scared.
i fall into those quiet and lonely nights when i have no one
and i panic.
i panic
and i call him.

oh lord.
i'm crying
and i already feel pathetic.
i think i've accepted that i'm never going to walk away
and that i'll just be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life
because i'm too scared to be alone
and i'm too scared to lose...anything.




toodle oooh

las night, my mind dreamt across eight state lines

i'm pretty lazy right now :(
i don't really like it though.
i'm starting to get really frustrated with life
and i want to start focusing on getting shit together.

i don't really know what i'm doing at PCC right now.
i think i know where i want to take my life and i'm not really following that track.
this semester i'm taking marine biology, some teaching course, and elementary french.
i think i'm just taking french for fun.
marine biology and the teaching course are for my future.

but i don't even know about being a teacher anymore.
i went on the University of Oregon website earlier and saw that they had majors in environmental science for people who want to get into like environmental policy and stuff like that.
someone once told me that i should minor in public relations because i have really good speaking skills
and i'm thinking, maybe i should use that to my advantage and become some kind of environmental law maker
shit maybe i'll even become a senator.
but that's sort of big-dreaming i think.

i don't really know what i want to do yet
or where i want to go.
i tried to talk with a counselor about my major and the classes i needed to get an AA or something
but I did'nt get to speak with one.
it was so annoying.

i wish i knew what i was doing at college.
i want to be on the right track,
to have someone tell me, "okay these are the classes you need to take."
i'm really just playing it by ear.

if i could i would take a bunch of science classes.
shit man
i'm so behind.

i have to finish some assignments from English 1B last semester.
I have an incomplete grade for that class :(
the only way i can get a letter grade is by writing some essays i didn't do.
i've been procrastinating so much :(
i just want to get on top of everything.

there's just so much going on.

well...i'm rambling and it's awful.
i really should be getting off my ass
i think i'm just soo bored with life's routines.

i need to get out of alhambra.
i need a change of scenery.




toodle oooh